Reflecting

I am nervous, happy, scared, excited, sad...you name it. Writing is very cathartic for me...so bear with me as I share my thoughts.

Oh, dear. I am already crying. Its happy tears, I promise. First of all, thank you for praying for good sleep for me last night. I fell asleep at 9:00pm, woke up at 3:00am and went BACK to sleep for another hour and a half. Now, thats a miracle. Thank you. I am well-rested.

I remember so clearly when Carlton and I felt "the call" for international adoption. Well, actually, its something we talked about when we were dating in high school. But, we felt a real burden back in May of 07. I can't really explain it. We just knew we had to do it and we tried to say to ourselves..."oh, no, not now, we want more biological children...adoption is for when you are older and can't have any children....we can do it in our 40's.....our kids are too young...we don't have enough money....what will our family think?" Oh, and the list goes on of excuses we thought of to put off adoption. But on May 8th, we couldnt say no. (Maybe this is what it feels like when people are called to the mission field?) We just couldn't say no. We put aside all the excuses and rode to Birmingham with another couple and attended an International seminar at Briarwood Presbyterian. This was hosted by Lifeline. Funny thing is, besides the couple that went with us, we told no one. I didn't even tell my mother and I tell her everything. We knew this was something we had to do and nothing (not one of our excuses) was going to stop us. I remember listening to the presentation. I remember looking at Carlton and seeing that big grin on his face. I remember we didn't discuss anything after the seminar. I remember THAT night we RAN up to Karla and told her, "Sign us up, we have to do this, and we have to do this now." Now, you may ask, "Why China?" This is the country we felt called to adopt from and basically we knew that this was where our daughter was. Simple as that. We took home the application and began filling it out. We mailed it back to Lifeline with 3 days. We trusted God to provide us with the finances to do this. And He did. Friends and family gave to us generously. When you are doing an adoption the first $6,000-$8,000 is the hardest. Well, for us it was. You cannot apply for any grants until later down the road. So...this money you have come up with on your own. I remember every single one of those gifts. I cried at each one. I thanked God for each one. One day, I will share with Lily about the incredible generosity of her friends and family. Thank you. Thank you is not enough.

Now, I do want to share something else. At this point in time (May 07'), I was not pregnant. We were trying to have another baby and we had told Karla that night at the informational meeting that we wanted to have another baby. She said it was fine because the wait times for China were so long. We continued to pray that God would give us another child. And he did! I found out I was pregnant in early July. I remember seeing that positive line on the test and then I kept it a secret until one afternoon after church. We went to eat with some sweet friends and I made up a poem and he read it at the table. His eyes got so big and I have never seen him happier. We were so happy. I tear up when I think of the joy we felt those early days of my pregnancy. Well, most of you know my story. But, since there are many, many people from all over the world following this blog, I will share breifly. At 15 weeks of my pregnancy, we were told our daughter would not survive. Our little girl, Sophie Ann, did not have a brain. Through amniocentisis, she was diagnosed with Full Trisomy 13. She was born at 33 1/2 weeks and lived for 9 incredible minutes. It was heartbreaking. There are pieces of my heart that I am sure that will never be mended. It was the darkest time in our lives. But through our sadness, God taught us things that we we would have never learned otherwise. Looking back, I am able to see things that He has done to prepare me for THIS day. Lily will never take Sophie Ann's place, but she is very special to us in that God specifically chose THIS child for our family and to help mend our broken hearts. Had Sophie Ann been healthy, Lily would not have been our daughter. We would have not been able to accept her referral. I already love Lily so much. She is ours and she is a gift to us.

After a long home study, we finally had our Log in Date for China in July 08. There were many paperwork obstacles that we had to overcome. But, we can see His perfect timing in them all now looking back. We accepted Lily's referral in August of 08. We were on cloud 9 for a long time and then reality sunk in and the wait began. Again! I had a big calendar that I kept at home and I would happily mark off each day that passed. (karla, you can quit laughing at my big calendar now!) There were many days I just sat and obsessed over the wait and then there were some days I was so at peace with it. Just another time in my life that I learned a lot of things. I know the timing is perfect and was perfect.

So, here we are....in China....only 9 1/2 hours away from seeing our baby girl. I can't explain my feelings. I wish I could. My heart is about to explode. My throat is tight because I am on the verge of squawling at any moment and as I type this Carlton is fast asleep in the bed??? What??? God love that man, I need someone like that. No worries, just complete faith.

OK, I am off to pack up some things for sweet Lily. I will post again before we leave.

Thanks for listening,
love,
aimee